patience, endurance, joy

I have been struggling - big time - with my kids. I have "had it up to here" (arm stretched waaay above my head), I am tired, and I am grumpy. I freak out. I yell. I cry out of frustration. I cry because I stepped on a Lego - again. Then I feel guilty. So I cry some more. This is not the mom I want to be. This is not the mom I feel God created me to be. So I pray. I desperately want to be a mom that my kids think of fondly. I want to gently, and quietly, rebuke them. I want them to think of me with words like joy, love, and patience. Not crazy, loud, and mad.

So anyway, I went searching the bible for a verse that I could cling to to help me through this season of life. I feel God led me to a verse in Colossians, and I am clinging to it and praying it over and over for myself.

"We also pray that you will be strengthened with all his glorious power so you will have all the endurance and patience you need. May you be filled with joy,.." (Colossians 1:11)

I know...how perfect. Right? So I am praying this over and over. I repeat it in my prayers to the kids. I remind myself of it as I clean up spilled juice while answering for the 16th time that I do not know where the cat is...go clean your room and see if you can find him. I even posted it on facebook. Patience, endurance, joy. Patience, endurance, joy.

And then...I lose it. I mean full on yelling, crying, frantically cleaning bedrooms as I chant, "if you don't want it thrown away, then put it away!" Totally insane. Seriously not the legacy I want to leave. Sigh. And so after the "crazy" wears off, I pray. I ask my kids to forgive me. I ask God to forgive me. Just like I have done dozens of times before. Please don't give up on me.

So I am struggling with this. As I sat in church today I kept thinking about Colossians (totally not what Pastor John was speaking on today - clearly I have a short attention span too) and about the legacy I want to leave. And while I want my kids to describe me as level-headed, joyful, and patient - memories are being made and opinions are being formed, right now. I don't think calm and peaceful are in the cards for me. But God, in His awesome graciousness, spoke to me. He reminded me that while I do fly off the handle, get crazy, and yell sometimes - I always repent. I ask forgiveness and I try (I really do try) to do better. And that is my legacy.

I am not afraid to admit my mistakes to my kids. I do not hesitate to ask their forgiveness. I have struggles and I try my hardest to do what is right. I pray for God's power, and I seek guidance. And when I mess up, I ask for forgiveness, and I try again. I hope they remember that as they reminisce about their childhood and their mom that was a little (okay, a lot) nutso on occasion.

While I am more at ease about the permanent memories my children are forming, I am still determined to grow and change. I know God is calling me to something greater. And I know that if I do not hold firm to the word He put in my heart, I will not be acting as the mother He has called me to be. And I will probably rip a small stuffed animal's head off or something.

I need patience, endurance, and joy. And I need His glorious power to strengthen me.

...I need to go see what that noise was...