choosing to see

I never want to experience the pain that comes with burying a child. Do you hear that God? I don't want to ever lose one of my children! And, I know the danger that comes with this declaration. I have seen over and over what often happens when you tell God you are not going to do something, or fixate on your biggest fear...it comes to fruition and you find yourself in the midst of "I will never..." or "My biggest fear...".

In all reality, losing one of my children is not my biggest fear...losing my husband is. It may seem cold, but my children are just temporary visitors in my home, and my husband is my forever. I feel that I can walk through any fire and do any kind of hard as long as I have him beside me holding my hand and walking with me. In my heart that is how I feel. In my head I know that Jesus is all I need and that I can do anything with Him who strengthens me.


So why am I thinking about this at all? Well, I read another book. And, I know I said I wasn't going to "review" anymore of my reads, but I can't stop thinking about this book. Choosing to SEE, by Mary Beth Chapman, is a personal testimony about the loss of her daughter in a tragic accident, and her journey of struggle and hope in the aftermath. I cannot even imagine the pain that she feels...there are no words.

This book gave me an urgency; an urgency to be with my kids and truly see them. To not view bedtime as a chore to be checked off - but to spend it smelling their hair, kissing their snotty cheeks, listening to them recount their day and share about their stuffed animals. To not be annoyed at the toys all over the floor - but to get down on my hands and knees and play with them, to build Lego ships, and brush Barbie hair.

I have healthy, thriving, vibrant children - and I know that I am truly blessed. I have many friends who have children who are sick, battling diseases or abnormalities, knowing the days with their children are short - and I think they are blessed as well. They don't have the privilege of procrastination because they are faced everyday with the reality that life is short and health is fleeting.

While the thought of losing a child or my husband takes my breath away (and not in the good, romantic way), I am able to rest in the knowledge of my Maker and Savior. He is the giver and taker of life, and He is in sovereign control of all.

Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. (Psalm 139:16)

Not one of God's children will go one day, or one moment, before their appointed time. And when that time does come, it is because it is part of His plan and His purpose - and while it may hurt, it is for the good of those who love Him that He works out His good and perfect will. It is this knowledge and truth that we must cling to, because I can only imagine that in the midst of a tragic loss, these are not the emotions that we feel.

Dearest Heavenly Father,

Thank you for the gift of my children. Thank you for trusting me to care for them at this moment in time. I know that You love them more than I could ever imagine and I know that You hold them in Your hand. Lord, please grant me permission to watch over them until my departure from this earth. While I am with them, please help me to see them as You do, help me to love and cherish every God given moment with them. Lord, above all I pray for Your will to be done - even when I do not understand and even when it hurts. Thank you for the joy and hope that I have in Jesus! And it is in the might name of Jesus Christ that I pray, AMEN!